


Avengers + More Oneshots

by zshi_123



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Depressed Steve, Hurt Steve Rogers, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-02-28 22:09:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18765232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zshi_123/pseuds/zshi_123
Summary: Basically what the title says.Steve’s my bias cause he’s cool and I just love seeing him hurt cause he’s a self sacrificing idiot. Yes, I know I’m weird.Taking requests! (Actually, needing requests cause I have no imagination)DISCLAIMER- I don’t own Marvel or the Avengers cause life would be very different if I did. They belong to Stan Lee.





	1. I’m fine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is when Steve is up after a particularly bad nightmare and the Avengers finally notice Steve and his panic attacks even though Steve insists that he’s fine (he’s not) the team thinks something’s off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER-I DO NOT OWN MARVEL OR THE AVENGERS, for if I did, Captain America would have got a way better send off than in Avengers Endgame. I mean the movie is awesome and all but Steve was with Bucky 'till the end of the line' so I don't really agree with the ending.
> 
> Trigger Warnings for Panic Attacks and Razors (wow. I’m unbearably awful at this.)

**Steve's P.O.V.**

He dreamt of cherry red lips, soft brown eyes and a crisp British accent.

He dreamt of whips, blood, harsh words and empty alcohol bottles.

He dreamt of explosions, outstretched hands just a second too late.

And ice. So, so much ice. So, so cold and so, so alone.

Steve gasped, sitting bolt upright in his bed, soaked in sweat. He looked at his clock on his bedside table. 1:23AM. Great. Only 23 minutes of sleep. Steve shivered and pulled his blanket up to his chin. He was so, so cold.

Whenever Steve woke up from a nightmare, he'd wake up straight into another nightmare - where everyone he knew and loved were gone and he was alone, so, so alone.

He should go to the kitchen, Steve thought. Maybe a hot chocolate would help. Or tea. Or a 'few' hits at the punching bag.

(maybe without wrapping his knuckles... after all, he deserved the pain...

But Bucky wouldn't want that.

 

 

 

But Bucky's gone, Bucky's dead)

Either way Steve decided to get out of his bed(his warm, warm bed)and hastily put on some clothes, before stumbling towards the cold, cold door.

After eventually stumbling down the stairs, (he never trusted elevators, too small, too lonely) he managed to get to the kitchen in his half awake state. He began heating the milk on the stove and, as he reached to grab a mug out of the wooden cupboard he head a huge...

CRACK!!!

The lightning startled him. It frightened him. It caught him while he was unaware.

Suddenly he was back on the train, on the floor, helpless, without his shield, useless.

CRASH!

Bucky was thrown out of the open door of the train by the sheer force of the blast. (What if he had shut the door?) 'BUCKY!' He cried and picked up his shield and knocked the man out. (Why hadn't he done that earlier?)

He sidled across the edge of the train and looked at Bucky, dangling on the rail, (it was his fault, it really was his fault, it was definitely his fault) and outstretched his hand 'Grab my hand!' He cried out desperately. One side of the rail broke. Bucky outstretched his hand and reached towards him. (So, so, so close). The other side of the railing broke. Bucky screamed. Then he was falling. 'NO!' Steve yelled. (Nonononono... NO!)

CRASH!

The sound of something breaking broke Steve out of his nightmare (nightmare? He wasn't even sleeping! How could that have been a nightmare?) he looked down and saw that he had knocked around five cups out of the cupboard and onto the floor and know they were all shattered. Tony's favourite mug included. (God, why was he so stupid! Tony is never going to forgive him. Stupid. Useless. Nothing but a waste of space.) He sat down on the floor (cold, hard floor) in despair. (Stupid. Nothing but a weapon. Worthless.)

'Cap?!' A voice said, cutting through the tense silence. An achingly familiar voice.

'Howard?' Steve cried. Something familiar! But that couldn't be right though, Howard always called him by his first name - never Cap, never Captain, never even Rogers - always Steve.

Steve turned his head slowly towards the voice and squinted though his blurry vision. He couldn't see anyone. Was he hallucinating? Steve slowly pushed himself off of ( **A/N lol, off off *awkward silence* ... okay you know what? I'll leave** ) the floor and shook out his limbs. He couldn't afford to look weak, he couldn't afford to be Steve Rogers. He needed to be Captain America - and Captain America never - ever - breaks.

He cleaned up the mess of shattered china mugs and washed out the pan that had once contained boiling milk. Hot chocolate would only make him feel sick now. 'J.A.R.V.I.S.?' Steve asked hesitantly after a while. Normally someone - anyone would be around, right? 'What time is it?'

'It is 3:47 in the morning, sir.' J.A.R.V.I.S. answered immediately.

Oh. It was way earlier than he thought. Normally he'd make breakfast and coffee (lots of coffee - even though he personally preferred tea, but no one would care) for the rest in the team at around 6:00 as some of them are later risers *cough* Clint *cough* He still had an hour to spare (he always put aside an hour for sketching) He decided to head down to the gym and punch the punching bag ( **A/N ironically** ) in order to release his anger, guilt and stress. After approximately 45 minutes, Steve realises his knuckles were bleeding. Again. Oops.

He'd forgotten to wrap his knuckles again. Steve decided to bandage his hands up and said to himself 'it'd probably heal up within the next hour' and went to the lounge room after showering and cleaning up everything.

Steve sat down on a couch with his sketchbook and pencil and began trying to finish his drawing he'd started around two days ago. Eventually he finished his sketch of his team and moved on to a blank page in his sketchbook. Around 20 minutes later there was another huge...

CRACK!!

Another strike of lightning. Steve's hand violently jerked and the drawing was ruined by a long, dark line. He noticed that he had somehow drawn Bucky, falling from the train, down into the snowy abyss down below.

Screaming.

 

 

Falling.

 

 

Falling.

 

CRACK!

 

Another lightning bolt.

 

Suddenly he was the one falling. Down, down, down into the icy waters below. Listening to Peggy's desperate voice on the radio, to the cold whistling wind while he fell farther and farther, deeper and deeper into the Atlantic Ocean.

He couldn't breathe... why.... why was there no air?... He was suddenly drowning, freezing, in the Atlantic Ocean again.

'CAP!!' someone cried. Suddenly the plane was gone. Gone was the cold and the cold ice wasteland. Gone was blue sky and deep blue waters. The ice cold waters.

He suddenly realized that he was surrounded by his teammates. All of which were looking at him worriedly. (Another nightmare? No. A daydream? A daymare? oh. A panic attack. His team mates didn't have to see that. Steve didn't want to burden them with his problems.)

'Hey guys.' Steve said cheerfully.

Everyone looked blankly at him.

...

Steve shifted a bit under their gazes.

'Do you happen to know what time it is?' He tried, speaking nonchalantly.

Natasha's eyebrow raised.

'Nevermind' He said quickly, 'I'm just gonna go... umm... eat.. no... I mean make... yeah.. I'm just gonna go make some breakfast... bye!'

Now Steve knew how to lie. He could even fool Natasha! It's like his default. He's always fine.

Bleeding from a huge knife wound on his arm? He's fine. They're easy to hide.

Recovering from almost drowning again in freezing water? He's fine. Really.

But this... this was unexpected. He wasn't planning on having a panic (anxiety?) attack in the middle of the living room at... He glanced at his watch (yes, it was an analogue watch, yes, it's a bit outdated, but it helped him feel slightly more grounded, and it helped cover the ugly scars underneath whenever he had cut just a little bit too deep - just like his countless number of bracelets) 6:02AM

Why were his team even in the living room at this time?

He stood up to leave. Natasha, faster than the eye can see, managed to block his way, while still looking casual. He stopped and raised an eyebrow.

'Captain Rogers...' Thor said gently from behind him, 'we came as soon as J.A.R.V.I.S. called. Are you alright?'

'Sure he's alright. It's not like he just had a *you know what swear word belongs here*ing PANIC ATTACK OR SOMETHING!!!' Tony exclaimed, waving his hands in the air for emphasis.  

'Tony... Please calm down.' Bruce said, sighing, and pinching the bridge of his nose.

So that's why they're here. 

 

Sometimes Steve hated J.A.R.V.I.S.

 

'Steve, answer the question. Are you alright?' Natasha urged.

Steve turned to face his team and smiled his Boy Scout shy smile.

 

‘Yeah, I’m fine.’

 

With that, he sprinted up the stairs and stumbled into his bedroom.

He looked at his razor lying innocently on the side of the sink.

‘J.A.R.V.I.S. Privacy Mode, please.’ He said, eyes never leaving the razor.

 

Really.

 

He’s fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N wow. This is looooong. This is what happens when you give me the choice between an essay or a one shot. Whoops. This is even longer than my essay. Hehe :).
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this ;).
> 
> Emerged from a prompt from Trekkiehood on Wattpad.


	2. Sorry buddy, this is the end of my line.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because I can’t take Steve’s not very sacrificing ‘death’ and I can’t take Tony’s actual death. My memory’s a bit foggy so forgive me if the flashbacks are wrong :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AVENGERS ENDGAME SPOILERS!!!
> 
> IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ENDGAME... WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?! GO WATCH IT!
> 
> SPOILERS!  
> DON’T CARRY ON READING UNTIL YOU’VE WATCHED THE 3HRS AND 1MIN MOVIE!!!
> 
> ONE MORE WARNING!!!
> 
> DISCLAIMER-I DO NOT OWN THE AVENGERS OR THANOS OR CAPTAIN MARVEL
> 
> Trigger Warning? Maybe...   
> :) Just to be safe.

**BOOM!**

 

The sharp point of Thanos’ new blade embedded itself into the only other way into quantum realm as Steve rushed towards it. A huge explosion knocked everyone backwards and Captain Marvel was blown away, the gauntlet dropping out of her grasp.

 

It landed 10m ahead of Steve 

 

‘I’ve got the gauntlet!’ Steve panted as he limped towards the gauntlet. His leg was broken, blood streaming down his calf from where Thanos has cut it. He could feel the blood running down the side of his face from where his head had hit a rock when he was blown backwards.Thanos spotted him and started to run after him. Then he paused to pick up some sort of blade. Steve carried on going, limping from Thanos in the direction of where Captain Marvel was lying.

 

He wasn’t very fast.

 

He was never fast enough.

 

Suddenly he ran straight into a crowd of outriders, guns all pointed towards him.

 

_He was surrounded by armed Hydra agents - each gun pointed at him._

_He knew that this was his time to surrender._

_Then, he was facing the true Johan Schmidt, in all his red faced glory. He could feel his face burning from the hit he had just taken._

_He could hardly hear his voice because of the intense ringing in his ears._

_A kick to the stomach._

_He thought it was about to end as the gun was cocked right above his head._

 

_But no._

_Then the Howling Commandos had come to save his sorry butt._

Steve forced himself back into the present (future?) He knew from experience that this was the time to surrender. But this time he had no one. No planned ambush. No one. Everyone was too occupied with the fighting. He was forgotten.

He had had ( **A/N lol... had had :) *cue crickets chirping* ok... goodbye** )enough, he knew he didn’t want to live much longer. All the flashbacks, cutting, panic attacks and all the cold, fighting and endless nights where he couldn’t sleep... He knew that he wouldn’t be able to survive much longer without sleep. 

With tears streaming from his eyes he stopped and hovered the gauntlet above his right hand, ready to insert it in. He knew in his heart he wasn’t going to make it. He was still going to try.

 

‘It will be too much power! You will perish!’ Thanos cried, raising his blade and lunging towards him as he figured out what Steve was going to do.

 

Steve looked Thanos in the eye and put on the gauntlet. He stifled a cry as the immense power twisted up and scorched his arm. He panted heavily. In his mind, he thought about when he was even more useless than he was now - when he was having his asthma attacks. He focused all his concentration on his hand and put his middle finger and thumb together. He tried to breathe in deeply.

 

‘I can do this all day.’

 

And then he snapped.

 

********A*V*E*N*G*E*R*S******A*S*S*E*M*B*L*E******W*H*A*T*E*V*E*R******I*T******T*A*K*E*S********

 

As Thanos began to disappear Bucky and Sam ran up towards him. He could hear Sam’s wings folding as his desperate voice started to fade away due to the ringing in his ears. 

 

’No! Nononononono! Steve! Steve... Come on buddy, breathe with me!’ Steve could faintly hear Sam’s voice in the background.

 

’Steve!’ Suddenly Bucky’s voice cut through.

 

‘No! Y-you said you’d be with me! R-remember? Y-you said you’d be w-with me till the end of the l-line!’ Was Bucky _crying_? No. He didn’t want him to suffer. 

 

‘S-s-sorry..’ He managed to stutter out.

 

 _‘Weakling.’_ He could hear his father’s voice sounding through his head. 

 

Maybe he’ll see Peggy again.

 

‘No!’ He heard Tony call. Tony? He came? After everything he’d done? After betraying his own name and reputation? After keeping such major secrets from him?

 

’D-did w-we w-win?’ He whispered, his voice not coming out any louder.

 

’Yeah, buddy. We did.’ 

 

He could feel his life fading as the world around him started to fade around the edges.

 

He could barely hear Bucky crying, but he knew it was his fault.

 

’S-sorry, Bucky. Th-this is the end of m-my line. Please carry on yours.’ He whispered before closing his eyes, never to open them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Woah. This is depressing. Sorry *shrugs* 
> 
> I wrote this during Computer science so don’t expect much. And yeah. That’s about it.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)  
> Comment pls and also REQUESTS.  
> Cause my brain is sleep deprived and Summer Exams are coming up.
> 
> Also... how do you unpublish a chapter? Cause I accidentally published it and I had to rush the ending cause otherwise it’d look weird.


	3. Just Let Us Help!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Steve has problems and forgets about his well-being after the Chitauri Attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N oops. It’s a bit late. Sorry 😐. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER - You know already. I don’t own the avengers.
> 
> Also.. Trigger warning for razors and guns... I think.

Honestly, all Steve wanted to do was to go home and shower before going straight to bed. He could still feel the blood of the innocent on his hands. Guess he wasn't fast enough. Again. As usual.

 

_(Never, ever, fast enough. To catch Bucky, to save Dr Erskine, to block a single shot.)_

 

He hadn't eaten or slept in days. In fact, he didn't think he'd even slept since he'd crashed the Valkyrie into the Atlantic Ocean 70 years ago. Yeah, he was awake in the ice. But no one needed to know that.

 

_(No one needed to know about how the razor blades tucked in his bathroom had more purpose than just shaving, how the .44 magnum in his bedside drawer had been taken out and looked at more often than not, how every night the cuttings got deeper and more frequent, and, deep down in his heart, he knew he was breaking.)_

 

Helping clear up after the Chitauri Attack helped him realize completely how useless he was. He'd tried so hard but so many civilians had died or gotten injured. It wasn't a pretty sight.

 

_(Useless, worthless, a waste of space)_

 

He could feel an abnormal growing pain in his abdomen where he was hit by that weird gun. He had hunch it wasn't an ordinary blast but he didn't want to jump to conclusions, I mean, the serum will fight off whatever it is, right? Anyway, he had more important businesses - such as helping out.

 

(Or trying too. After all, all ( ** A/N lollll all, all :)) ...wow. I need to stop doing this. sorry :/ **)  he ever did was make things worse.)

 

A granola bar suddenly found its way into his hand. Steve should have been alarmed that his enhanced hearing hadn't picked up the person's footsteps. But at the moment? He didn't even care.He looked up and immediately saw a young man crying over his injured girlfriend. Without a second thought, he walked over and handed the granola bar to him., 'You need it more than I do' he had said.

 

_(He was superhuman, he healed faster than most. Others needed the food more than him.)_

 

At one point, a plastic bottle of water had appeared in his hand. (So much for saving the planet) As quick as it had been given to him, he'd given it away to a desperate woman, dust coating her throat- begging for water.

 

_(He couldn't just watch her, could he?)_

 

The pain ( ** 🥖 A/N sorry. I just did my French aural test. I had too :] ** ) in his side was growing worse by the minute and it finally struck him that this was no ordinary wound.

 

He only agreed to 'a victory feast' (in Thor's words) or otherwise known as 'Shawarma' because Tony had requested it. Tony, who fell from an alien portal, almost certainly to his death, Tony, who had the idea, the confidence, to carry on living, Tony, the man with a heart who had suffered too much too be forever happy.  _Tony._

 

_(How could he have the will, after everything he'd been through, to carry on? How? (Maybe he doesn't))_

 

So here he was now, his elbow leaning on the table and the food spread all across the six-seater table. He hadn't touched his food. Just the smell of it made him feel like he was going to throw up. It wasn't the food, no, it was his appetite. 

 

_(And perhaps the stomach injury, but he'd never admit it)_

 

He didn't even realize everyone had left until he was startled out of his little daydream by none other than Tony.

 

_(Tony. He admired his confidence and his pride and his determination to keep on going.)_

 

'Everyone's left Capsicle, you should probably get going to...' he paused, as if thinking over a decision.

 

'Is anyone hurt?' Steve asked, nervous for the answer.

 

'Yeah...' Tony said and Steve immediately straightened, no matter how much it hurt. He didn't let it show on his face though, because he wasn't going to show Tony how weak he was... Even if he thought he was weak now. 

 

_('Weakling. Why were you even born? You are and have been nothing but a curse to us.' He could hear his father's voice in his mind.)_

 

'Nothing major, don't worry..' Tony said quickly, 'Natasha's gotten herself a lovely dose of a minor concussion. Clint has messed up his leg pretty bad. Stupid BirdBrain. Thor's absolutely fine and everyone's favourite green kitten of rage is now my own ScienceBro. And yeah.'

 

_(Phew.)_

 

'What about you?' Steve asked.

 

'I'm fine physically, yeah. But, boy, I'm gonna be having nightmares for weeks!' Tony exclaimed, waving his hands in the air for emphasis.

_(I know, I feel ya.)_

 

Steve could hear the underlying message from all the banter and jokes. Tony was going to suffer, and probably bad. PTSD, Steve thought. It was called Shell shock back then and no one wanted it. Everyone still got it though. Guess it's one of the many downsides of fighting in the war.

 

_(But you'd never be able to live without war, would you?)_

 

As Steve stood up, he could feel the world spinning around him. 

 

_(Like those nights where father hit you too hard, or when you tried out alcohol when you were 11.)_

 

'Wanna crash tonight at the tower?' Tony suddenly blurted out. He looked as though he'd been considering this question for a while now. Steve looked at him incredulously.

 

_(Wait. Did Tony just ask him - a useless pile of nothing but problems - to sleep at his one-of-a-kind tower? No. Way.)_

 

'Do...you....want...to...sleep...at...the...tower...?' Tony repeated, teasingly slowly.

 

_(Everyone acts as though he's 87, he's not, he's only 17. Only Bucky knows that he'd lied on his enlistment form. What's new?)_

 

'Really?' Steve asked.

 

_(He wants to believe it so bad.)_

 

'Yeah! I mean, I wouldn't be asking then would I?' Tony replied.

 

_(You could be. You could have been forced.)_

 

'Umm... sure!' Steve said hesitantly, did he really want to?

 

_(What about his blades? His lighters? His .44 magnum hiding in his bedside table?)_

 

'Yes!' Tony cried, fist-bumping the air. 'Everyone will be waiting there,' he winked, 'you're not the only new resident.'

 

_(How could he be so excited? The team was moving in too?)_

 

******C**A**P**T**A**I**N******A**M**E**R**I**C**A*****F**O**R**E**V**E**R******Y**A**Y******

 

Steve could feel the world slipping as he stumbled onto his floor (he'd gotten an entire floor to himself!) and right there, right then, he passed out on the floor, only centimeters away from the couch, due to not eating for 144 hours and not drinking for the past 96.

 

_(In hindsight, it wasn't such a great idea. He wasn't trying to die. He just forgot. Honest.)_

 

******C**A**P**T**A**I**N******A**M**E**R**I**C**A*****F**O**R**E**V**E**R******Y**A**Y******

 

When he came to, he could hear a constant beeping in the background.

 

_(Oops. What had he done now? Probably nothing serious)_

 

'Captain! You have awakened!' He heard Thor exclaim.

 

_(So sad.)_

 

Bruce, however, immediately glared at him.

 

_(Whoops. He was in trouble.)_

 

'What the *chose a rude word of choice* were you doing?!' Bruce yelled.

 

_(Uh oh.)_

 

Natasha slowly backed away, along with everyone else. Steve tried to pull out the IV on his arm before an unbearable pain suddenly shot up his side. He gritted his teeth.

 

_(What happened? Knife wound?)_

 

'Don't. You. Dare.' Bruce seethed. 'No food for 6 days? No water for 3? A poisoned wound without going to medical? WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?'

 

_(He was thinking about the attack. He was thinking about the innocents)_

 

'Sorry.' He mumbled.

 

_(Pathetic.)_

 

'You should be!!' Bruce exclaimed. Wow. Bruce was really mad. He could see the green tinge on his skin.

 

_(Guess he has a reason.)_

 

'You've been in bed here for around 5 days, buddy.' Clint said, a lot more gently and without its usual sarcasm. 'It's driven Bruce mad.'

 

_(He could tell, thank you very much.)_

 

'You were bleeding out your wound when we found you.' Natasha whispered. 

 

'Oops.' Was all Steve said 

 

_(Oops indeed.)_

 

'OOPS! That's all you have to say?!' Tony shouted, 'OoPs, I got shot in the side and FoRGot to eat for 6 days and drink for 3. OoPs, I FoRGot to go to medical when I was BLeEdiNg from my side. OoPs!!!' Tony cried, flailing his arms in the air.

 

_(Yeah. That sums it up.)_

 

'I'm just gonna go.' Steve said, moving to remove the IV again, ignoring the white hot pain in his side. A hand stopped him.

It was Thor.

 

_(He didn't know he cared. He didn't know that any of them cared. He was so glad he healed quickly. At least he didn't have to screamed at for cutting as well.)_

 

'I advise against doing that, my friend.' Thor said. 

 

'But..' Steve started.

 

'No!' Tony cried, 'for one time in your life just let us help!'

 

But...

 

No one could help him. 

 

He was just too broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N woah. This was loooooooong. Welp. My Summer Exams are just around the corner and my dad is being soooooo annoying about it. I hate him sometimes.
> 
> Prompt from Trekkiehood on Wattpad.  
> Thanks for supporting meee.


	4. Let Us Help! Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part of Let Us Help! where Steve is hating on himself and gets slightly carried away. Slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N OoF. School, I’m officially declaring that I hate you :(
> 
> Anyway... this, I’m sorry, is rather short (compared to my other ones) I’m just in that lazy mood today. Oh. And also. Sorry this took so long 🙃.
> 
>  
> 
> I have no excuse. Just being lazy I guess.
> 
> This is the second part of Let Us Help! that, like, two people have requested. Love you guys!!!
> 
> Does anyone have a better name than Let Us Help!?
> 
> DISCLAIMER - I, sadly, do not own the avengers. I really wished I did tho :(
> 
>  
> 
> Trigger Warning ⚠️
> 
> Self harming and razors (same thing but yeah)

 

10  days .

 

_(Can you believe that?)_

 

They kept him in that bed for _ten_ whole  days.

 

_(Useless. Skill-less. Nothing but a burden.)_

 

Steve was suffocating with self-hatred and, as soon as he was cleared (finally) to go, he ran to his storage boxes (since he hadn't unpacked yet) and dumped out the contents. 

 

_(Now he'd made a mess. Great.)_

 

He couldn't see. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. He needed it. WHERE WAS IT?

 

_ (Breathe. He needed to breathe. He wasn’t going to have a panic attack now. No. He  **wasn’t** .) _

 

He felt like he was going crazy. 

 

_(Maybe he was. The longest he'd gone without it since he’d started was 2 days. It'd been 10.)_

 

He was oblivious to the world. The only thing he wanted, no,  _needed_ ,  was this. 

 

_(Looking back, he probably should have known he was completely shattered and nothing could help him, and most importantly, he was slipping. And badly.)_

 

He suddenly remembered that J.A.R.V.I.S. was recording this and immediately said, ‘J.A.R.V.I.S., Privacy Mode.’

 

_(At least he’d remembered. That would have been bad.)_

 

‘Ok sir.’ J.A.R.V.I.S. said.

 

Now, now he could do it. He’d finally found the tool. He walked into the bathroom and locked the door. No one had to know.

 

_(Why would someone want to anyway?)_

 

******S**T**E**V**E******R**O**G**E**R**S******I**S******A**M**A**Z**I**N**G******

 

He was could feel a warm tear slip down the side of his face as he cut, once, slowly. Twice. Three times.

 

_(He deserved this, he really did.)_

 

He could here his dad’s voice, ‘Deeper! Or are you just too scared you useless burden of nothing! Coward!!!’

 

_(He silently agreed. Everyone else on this team was irreplaceable. But not him. He’d always distanced himself from the team. Yes, he ate with them and shared the lounge with them, but he never had any ‘special bonds’ like Bruce and Tony. He didn’t join in many of their conversations. He was just... there.)_

 

So deeper he went. He let out his sorrow and started to curve his lines into intricate patterns. Time went by so quickly and by the time he realized the dark, sticky substance all over the floor, he’d already finished his drawing. 

 

_(Whoops.)_

 

It travelled all the way up his forearm and, as he looked at it, he realized it was actually quite pretty.

 

_(‘Only girls draw and play music.’ He hear Bucky still speaking, ‘so let’s go out and play ball, as lovely as your piano and drawing skills are... it’s just so girly.’ I guess so.)_

 

After making sure he cleaned up every last drop of blood, he flushed the paper towels down the toilet and washed his blades. He checked once more that the bathroom looked exactly how it’d looked when he first walked in, and, satisfied with his own cleaning, went to clean up his wounds.

 

_(Even the bathroom was more important than him.)_

 

After bandaging his arms and thighs multiple times, he unlocked the door and walked out. His digital alarm clock (that Tony has insisted on him having) blared a weak 1:45AM at him. 

 

Whoops, he had taken a bit longer than expected. 

 

_(It was worth it. Really.)_

 

He had came out, feeling fresher than ever. Sure, he’d have to use more bandages this time. Sure, it was the middle of summer and he really shouldn’t be wearing long sleeves and trousers. Sure, this wasn’t a healthy habit. 

 

_(Who cares? All he had to do was look good and okay around people. No would find out.)_

 

Then, rest of the team discovered that first hint.

 

Why wasn’t he more careful?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N so yeah. That’s that. Kinda sad :(
> 
> If anyone has been holding back and have some sort of request - please request it!
> 
> Prompt from Trekkiehood on Wattpad and Imogen on ao3.
> 
> You guys are awesome ;)
> 
>  
> 
> I’ve also discovered that revising is very hard.
> 
> Stupid Summer Exams. :(
> 
>  
> 
> But thanks for reading :)


	5. Never. (Pepperony Oneshot)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the avengers, who haven’t met Pepper yet, have to tell Pepper that Tony is ‘dead’ and she’s in denial when Tony suddenly shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N so this is written in like 30 mins and I have to walk to school cause life.
> 
> Ugh. :(
> 
> DISCLAIMER-As much as I would like to, I don’t own the Avengers or Marvel

‘Tony! No!’ Steve yelled as an attacker he hadn’t seen knocked Tony unconscious.

 

‘Say goodbye to your little friend, Captain.’ the attacker grinned.

 

Steve was about to lunge at him when he suddenly teleported on top of a building.

 

These guys can teleport now?!

 

‘Tony!!! Can you hear me?’ He knew it was useless, he might as well try though.

 

The attacker suddenly held out Tony’s unconscious body over the edge of the building.

 

‘No!’

 

Then he dropped.

 

——————————————————————————————————-——————————————————————————————

 

The doors slid open and Pepper turned around from her paperwork (gladly). She was suddenly faced with the face of none other than Captain America.

 

‘Oh! What a pleasure to meet you! I’m Pepper, Tony’s CEO! Well, and girlfriend...’ Pepper exclaimed, having never met Steve before, Tony had talked about him and the other avengers a lot though.

 

‘I know,’ Steve said quietly, looking down at his hands.

 

‘What’s wrong?’ Pepper asked, immediately sensing that something was off. ‘Where’s Tony?’

 

‘He..h.he fell.’ Steve said blurted suddenly. ‘I’m so so sorry.., I tried to save him, it’s all my fault, I’m sorry.’ Steve looked like he was about to cry.

 

Pepper’s jaw dropped.

 

No. He couldn’t be... NO!

 

‘No.’ Pepper stated firmly, ‘he’s not dead.’

 

‘I’m so sorry...’ Steve said quietly, ‘I tried, I really did.’

 

‘NO!’ Pepper screamed, tears flowing down her face, ‘HE’S NOT DEAD!!! Stop acting like he is.’

 

Right there, right then, she broke down.

 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

Tony had expected someone a little bit more clever to have had captured him and left him with no means to escape.

 

I mean... ask him to build a suit for him? So stupid. I guess he didn’t know Tony could simply fly said suit out when he’d finished it.

 

These guys were so stupid.

 

However... problems were that he didn’t have any power sources to fly more than 10 miles, and he had no idea where he was. Not good.

 

Well! He’d have to cross that bridge when he arrived at it!

 

There’d better be a warm cup of coffee waiting for him back at home.

 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

Pepper had been in denial, but it had been 3 days and Tony still hadn’t returned and she was starting to accept it.

 

Starting to accept the fact that Tony had fallen 35 meters from the sky without his suit.

 

Starting to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, Tony Stark was dead.

 

Then...

 

 

CRASH!

 

A familiar red and gold suit crashed through her study window. She screamed and the Avengers rushed into the room, all in ordinary clothes, looking for the threat. Then they noticed the suit.

 

‘Tony?’ Bruce gasped.

 

‘Well, who else owns an awesome red and gold metal suit that flies?’ Tony, none other than Tony Stark, said.

 

To say that Steve was shocked would be an understatement.

 

‘I..I. I saw you fall!’ He exclaimed.

 

‘Dude, it was an illusion. Those creepy guys had kidnapped me and made an illusion to appear as though I had died. That’s why you didn’t find my body you dingbat!’

 

Oh.

 

‘Tony!’ Pepper gasped, not quite believing it.

 

‘H-have you been crying?!’ Tony said, suddenly noticing. He stepped out of his suit and drew Pepper into a hug. When they finally pulled apart, Tony brushed her tears, now falling because of relief and happiness, away with his thumb and kissed her on the cheek.

 

‘It’s ok...’ Tony soothed, not that he was very good at it, but it helped anyway, ‘I’m will never leave you... do you hear me? Never.’

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N well, that was cute.  
> So yeah.  
> That's it.
> 
> Sorry it was so short.
> 
> Also, I'm screwed for my concert thing today :(  
> Next will probably be Let Us Help! Pt. 3
> 
> Anyone have a better name?
> 
> Prompt from ThatRavenclawGal on Wattpad


	6. Just Let Us Help! Pt. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N sorry this is so late, I probably won’t update until Saturday because I’ve got exams week.
> 
> Probably.
> 
> DISCLAIMER-once again, I do not own the Avengers are anything Marvel related. I’m not that creative.
> 
> Very slight trigger, only a mention.

It was supposed to be a normal day.

 

Steve got up after around 30 minutes of sleep. Then he stayed in his bed, huddling under tons of blankets and clothes, on the brink of a panic attack, shuddering, crying. He'd repeat the date over and over again, just to reassure himself. 

 

_(Not that it helped. All he was doing was reminding himself that all his best friends were gone, that they were never coming back, and that he'd never see them again.)_

 

_(But no one needed to know that, it was part of his daily routine now.)_

 

Then he'd take a scalding hot shower, brush his teeth and try to run a comb through his hair.

 

_(Like a normal routine, right? Just a tiny bit earlier. Really. All he does is draw... on his arm... with a razor. Seriously. He's fine.)_

 

After that he'd go and stumble down the stairs, his hair messy, and his eyes puffy from crying. He'd normally go straight to the lounge as the first aid kit is there and he almost always needed a bandage after washing his cuts out.

 

_(He really needed a first aid kit in his room. Maybe this wouldn't have happened then.)_

 

However today, he had completely forgotten that it was Thursday and that the rest of the avengers had had ( **A/N oh lol, had had again :) ... Right. I need to sToP doing this.** )a movie marathon night and that they were still awake and downstairs, in the lounge, at 2:34AM.

 

As soon as he'd heard the playful chatter, he froze. How could he have been so stupid?

 

_(Then again, all he was was ( **A/N lol... you know what? I'll just leave now and shut up.** ) stupid. He'd had barely any education because the money had to go to his medicine and all he'd ever read were the books lying around in his house.)_

 

He was sprinting towards his safe haven called his bedroom which had a lock and a door that only he could open when he suddenly ran straight into something. _Tony_.

Oh. This was going to go _really_ badly.

 

_(When did it not?)_

 

'Steve?!' Tony cried.

 

_(More like wheezed. After all, he did just collide with a super solider in pitch black darkness - he was only coming back from the bathroom - he wasn't ready for this. He needed coffee)_

 

'Sorry!' Steve spluttered, 'I was just running to my room cause...' he faltered, 'cause I forgot something!' he finished weakly.

 

Tony raised an eyebrow and eyed him suspiciously.

 

_(At least it was dark enough that Tony couldn't see his arms clearly, then he'd be in **serious** trouble.)_

 

'Why are you here in the first place?' Tony said, his voice expressing his suspicion.

 

_(Why didn't he run then? Right. Because he never knew when to run from a fight. Now Tony was disappointed in him. He didn't blame him though, he would be too.)_

 

'I was...' Steve struggled to come up with a plausible excuse.

 

He wasn't supposed to see anyone until five! He wasn't ready to deal with this! How could he have been such an idiot!

 

'about to go for a run!' Steve blurted, finally coming up with a suitable explanation, 'and I forgot my watch upstairs in my room!' He quickly added.

 

_(Why a watch?! Why? He couldn't have come up with something worse!)_

 

It was true - though no one knew that he usually didn't run until 5:00 - he only used the punching bag.

 

Fully intending to get to his room, he started to push his way around Tony before Tony suddenly said, 'You can borrow mine. I have a random analog watch lying around here, I'll never use it anyway - my watch has J.A.R.V.I.S. on it - which is wayyyy better. It'll save you the trouble of going back upstairs.'

 

_(He should have just continued going, he should have just pushed Tony aside and ran. But that was rude, and his mama had always taught him to be polite. He was only 17, so he was going to listen to her.)_

 

_(But she's dead, like Bucky, like Dum Dum, like Peggy, lik-)_

 

'No.' He said quickly, cutting off his thoughts. 'It's fi-' Steve started, panic starting to rise in his chest. He just needed to _Get To His Room!_

 

'I insist.' Tony interrupted, 'I'll even help you put it on! As long as you don't mention this to anybody.'

 

'No. Mr Stark. It's fine. I sw-' Steve said, slightly rambling, before getting cut off again.

 

'J.A.R.V.I.S.! Lights 50%!' Tony said loudly, just as Steve cried, ' **NO!** '

 

_(Why didn't he just push past Tony and run?! Why did he stop? Why did he try and argue back? Why?!)_

 

The day only spiraled downwards from there.

 

_(It was supposed to be a **normal** day!)_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N wow. I’m so late. Whoops 😬.
> 
> Well, here it is. Sorry it was so late, I kept stalling it but here it is, I’m working on part 4, though it might not be the next update.
> 
> Summer exams are legit tomorrow and I still haven’t started revising.
> 
> Oops.
> 
> Welp. Should probably go do that.
> 
> Why the hell do we even need to study religion anyway?  
> (Sorry if that’s offensive, I just really don’t like the subject 🙃)
> 
> So yeah.


	7. Can I have this dance? (Steggy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A one shot where Steve and Peggy get together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N this is a one shot of Steggy  
> The one shot posted right after is an alternate ending that the prompter insisted didn't happen.
> 
> With that 'I'm serious' tone and everything.
> 
> Like that 'I'm superior and you're gonna listen to me' tone.
> 
> Kinda scares me.
> 
> Anyway  
> DISCLAIMER-I do not own Steve or Peggy or any other random character I mention cause I have no imagination.

'Peggy?' 

 

She heard as she felt her panic starting to rise. It was inevitable, what was about to happen, but she was still clinging onto that last string of hope that she had.

 

She took a deep breath.

 

'I'm here.'

 

She replied, trying to keep her voice steady and in control.

 

'I'm gonna need a raincheck on that dance.'

 

Her eyes were starting to fill with tears as she realized that he wasn't going to turn back now.

 

'All right.'

 

She replied, taking a deep breath and forcing her voice to be steady. She was not going to cry. No. She wasn't.

 

'A week next Saturday, at the Stork Club.'

 

She hoped, with every last bit of strength she had left, that he would make it there.

 

'You got it.'

 

She could sense his fear, even though he was trying to hide it. What was it like to stare death right in his face? What was it like to stare through a window, towards ice cold water, knowing it was the way you were going to die? What was it like?

 

'8:00 on the dot. Don't you dare be late. Understood?'

 

She stated, voice slightly cracking, although, if anyone heard it, no one ever said a word.

 

'You know, I still don't know how to dance.'

 

Peggy shook her head slightly, a sad smile playing in her lips.

 

'I'll show you how, just be there.'

 

She said, her eyes glistening with tears that were about to fall.

 

'We'll have the band play something slow.'

 

She smiled sadly.

 

'I'd hate to step on your-'

 

A loud, deafening crash. Then static.

 

'Steve?'

 

She cried, tears finally starting to stream down her face.

 

'Steve?'

 

She could hear and feel her voice crack. All she heard was static.

 

She took another deep breath, trying to compose herself.

 

Static.

 

'Steve?'

 

She cried out desperately.

 

All she got in response was static. Cruel, harsh static. A sound she knew she was going to hate for the rest of her life.

 

That's when she broke, tears streaming freely down her face.

 

If anyone saw, they didn't talk about it.

 

——————————————————————————————————

 

Now here she was, mourning at 7:59PM the next week, her eyes red and puffy. No one commented on it, because everyone knew the reason.

 

The Stork Club was a lot quieter than usual, the cheering slightly duller, the people around significantly more drunk. But she wasn't drunk because she was hoping, by some godly miracle, that Steve would show up.

 

So she stayed sober, so if Steve showed up, she wouldn't think it was a hallucination. Drinking only reminded her of Steve anyway, the he was when Bucky fell, lost and lonely. A bit like a puppy, Peggy thought, and her lips curled upwards at the thought.

 

The bell rang for 8:00PM. Peggy sighed. She should have known that he wouldn't appear, she should have known that Howard, as amazing as he is, wouldn't have been able to locate an advanced H.Y.D.R.A. aircraft. She should have known.

 

She suddenly noticed that the Stork club was significantly quieter, and that the loud, boisterous chatter had become whispers, as if  they were talking about someone or thing.

 

Peggy turned around and was suddenly faced with a pair of familiar bright blue eyes, the color of ice, staring at her. She felt her heartbeat rising as she thought, no, no, no, absolutely not. There was no absolute way.

 

Yet, there he was, none other than Steve Rogers, the one and only Captain America, standing in front of her, eyes glistening with happiness.

 

'You look beautiful.' He simply stated, in the soft, gentle voice she had come to know so well.

 

She knew she was crying - from disbelief, from happiness, from hope.

 

He stroked the side of her face and wiped her tears with his thumb. He took a step back and took a deep breath.

 

'Marry me?' He said softly, lowering down onto one knee, a navy blue ring box held up high towards her.

 

Peggy could only gasp and nod in disbelief, with her hand clasped over her mouth and tears, happy tears, rolled down her cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N so  
> Prompt from Wattpad again  
> I was about to end this with Peggy waking up and realizing that it was just a dream but I was legit begged not to.
> 
> Like begged.
> 
> Sooooo  
> Yeah.
> 
> Believe what you wanna.  
> I’m going to do an alternate ending to this.
> 
> Should probably go do my history revision  
> Welp.  
> Goodbye.


	8. Just a dream. (Steggy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate ending to the previous chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N alternate ending to Can I Have This Dance?
> 
> DISCLAIMER-I do not own Steve or Peggy or any other character I mention in this one shot.

 

'Peggy?'

 

She heard as she felt her panic starting to rise. It was inevitable, what was about to happen, but she was still clinging onto that last string of hope that she had.

 

She took a deep breath.

 

'I'm here.'

 

She replied, trying to keep her voice steady and in control.

 

'I'm gonna need a raincheck on that dance.'

 

Her eyes were starting to fill with tears as she realized that he wasn't going to turn back now.

 

'All right.'

 

She replied, taking a deep breath and forcing her voice to be steady. She was not going to cry. No. She wasn't.

 

'A week next Saturday, at the Stork Club.'

 

She hoped, with every last bit of strength she had left, that he would make it there.

 

'You got it.'

 

She could sense his fear, even though he was trying to hide it. What was it like to stare death right in his face? What was it like to stare through a window, towards ice cold water, knowing it was the way you were going to die? What was it like?

 

'8:00 on the dot. Don't you dare be late. Understood?'

 

She stated, voice slightly cracking, although, if anyone heard it, no one ever said a word.

 

'You know, I still don't know how to dance.'

 

Peggy shook her head slightly, a sad smile playing in her lips.

 

'I'll show you how, just be there.'

 

She said, her eyes glistening with tears that were about to fall.

 

'We'll have the band play something slow.'

 

She smiled sadly.

 

'I'd hate to step on your-'

 

A loud, deafening crash. Then static.

 

'Steve?'

 

She cried, tears finally starting to stream down her face.

 

'Steve?'

 

She could hear and feel her voice crack. All she heard was static.

 

She took another deep breath, trying to compose herself.

 

Static.

 

'Steve?'

 

She cried out desperately.

 

All she got in response was static. Cruel, harsh static. A sound she knew she was going to hate for the rest of her life.

 

That's when she broke, tears streaming freely down her face.

 

If anyone saw, they didn't talk about it.

 

——————————————————————————————————

 

Now here she was, mourning at 7:59PM the next week, her eyes red and puffy. No one commented on it, because everyone knew the reason.

 

The Stork Club was a lot quieter than usual, the cheering slightly duller, the people around significantly more drunk. But she wasn't drunk because she was hoping, by some godly miracle, that Steve would show up.

 

So she stayed sober, so if Steve showed up, she wouldn't think it was a hallucination. Drinking only reminded her of Steve anyway, the he was when Bucky fell, lost and lonely. A bit like a puppy, Peggy thought, and her lips curled upwards at the thought.

 

The bell rang for 8:00PM. Peggy sighed. She should have known that he wouldn't appear, she should have known that Howard, as amazing as he is, wouldn't have been able to locate an advanced H.Y.D.R.A. aircraft. She should have known.

 

She suddenly noticed that the Stork club was significantly quieter, and that the loud, boisterous chatter had become whispers, as if  they were talking about someone or thing.

 

Peggy turned around and was suddenly faced with a pair of familiar bright blue eyes, the color of ice, staring at her. She felt her heartbeat rising as she thought, no, no, no, absolutely not. There was no absolute way.

 

Yet, there he was, none other than Steve Rogers, the one and only Captain America, standing in front of her, eyes glistening with happiness.

 

'You look beautiful.' He simply stated, in the soft, gentle voice she had come to know so well.

 

She knew she was crying - from disbelief, from happiness, from hope.

 

He stroked the side of her face and wiped her tears with his thumb. He took a step back and took a deep breath.

 

'Marry me?' He said softly, lowering down onto one knee, a navy blue ring box held up high towards her.

 

Peggy could only gasp as she woke up, bolt upright in her bed, tears streaming down her face.

 

A dream.

 

It was just a dream.

 

That night, Peggy Carter wept herself back to sleep and no one said anything about her red, puffy eyes and her slightly ruffled hair.

 

It was just a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N alternate ending!  
> That was rather depressing.  
> I have nothing else to say.
> 
> right - history revision.  
> Bye 👋


	9. Amnesia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a battle with robots, again, Steve falls from the Quinjet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N woah. I'm late 😊   
> Sorry bout dat  
> I'm tired and we just had exams and my dad is STILL insisting I revise so I can't meet up with anyone and I'm bored as hell so this happened.
> 
>  
> 
> Ironic. I'm listening to the song Amnesia as I'm writing this
> 
> DISCLAIMER-I don't own the Avengers, life would be EXTREMELY different if I did.

**Steve's P.O.V.**

It had been another day of fighting weird robots that seem to hate the avengers and manage to respawn every week.

Steve was listening to Tony and Bruce talking about how to stop the robots respawning when all of a sudden, there was a huge bang from the back of the Quinjet.

'What the hell?' Clint cried, swerving sharply to the right out of surprise.

Steve immediately stood up, as well as everyone else, Toby had already called his suit and Natasha had pulled out a gun from seemingly thin air.

The back door of the Quinjet was being forced open by metal fingers.

'*a swear word of your choice*,' Tony yelled, 'How did we not destroy this guy!?'

'Language!' Steve corrected absently.

Tony rolled his eyes.

The door was forced open and the robot stood there, almost grinning in glee.

Apart from the fact it didn't have a mouth.

Tony lunged forward first, pushing the robot out of the jet and fighting it in the air.

Then it turned out that his boot thrusters were damaged in the fight and he began to fall, trying to use only his hand thrusters to fly. By the time his hand thrusters gave out, he was holding onto the edge of the jet for dear life.

But he'd forgotten about the robot.

'Tony!' Steve yelled. The scene was looking way to familiar for his taste. He could already imagine Tony falling.

Falling.

Steve made up his mind.

Just as the robot lunged towards Tony to grab his ankle - _to pull Tony down with it_ \- Steve hauled Tony onto the jet, and the robot grabbed his wrist instead.

The robot weighed a lot more than he had expected.

He immediately lost balance and toppled over the edge with the robot ( _stupid, stupid robot_ ) and he was falling.

Falling.

At least it wasn't Tony.

As he fell, he mouthed to Natasha and Tony, both watching him with their mouths agape, ' _it's not your fault_.'

He knew they were going to blame themselves anyway.

As he fell, he thought of Peggy, he thought of Howard, he thought of Bucky. Maybe he can join them now. Dancing in heaven.

Maybe he could have that dance.

With that happy thought, he closed his eyes, smiled, and accepted his fate.

 _Finally_.

Then he landed, and it wasn't graceful.

———————————————————————————————————

**Tony's P.O.V.**

Tony was absolutely devastated.

He'd just seen the one and only Captain America fall to his possible death.

'CLINT!!! Down now! We might be able to catch him or at least get him to medical as soon as possible!' Tony heard Natasha yell, 'Bruce! Call S.H.I.E.L.D. Medical now!'

Bruce whipped out his phone and immediately called medical, his words rushed and out of breath, when he finished, he said, 'They'll be here in 10 minutes.'

'He might not have 10 minutes!' Tony said desperately.

Despite what he saw Cap mouth, Tony still felt as though it was his fault. If only he'd designed his thrusters to be more damage proof, or if he'd designed his hand thrusters to be able to hold all his weight, or if he'd kept an extra suit on the Quinjet.

This must be how Cap felt when he saw Bucky fall. The poor guy.

The jet suddenly lurched downwards at top speed.

'Woah!' Bruce cried out, 'calm down a little!'

'You gonna be ok?' Tony asked, slightly worried, 'the big, fluffy, green ball of rage isn't going to appear, right?'

'Yeah, I think the Hulk understands that if we find Cap, I'm more useful as a medic than a canon ball.' Bruce answered, stumbling as the jet continued its steep descent.

'Sure.' Tony answered, before suddenly slipping on the metal floor and crashing into a nearby bench, 'OoF.' He said simply.

'I see him!' Tony suddenly heard Natasha say, 'over there - on the edge of the shore!'

Tony was immediately on his feet and looking out of the window where Natasha was standing. She was right, Steve was there - and he wasn't looking too good.

His leg was clearly broken and his arm didn't look the best either. However, the worst was that it seemed as though he'd landed head first onto a rock, so his head was bleeding out profusely.

'Hurry, hurry, hurry!' Bruce cried, leaping out of the door as soon as it opened.

Tony followed suit.

'Cap!' Tony yelled, even though he knew it was useless, it was meant to be a quick and easy mission!

*a swear word* you Fury!

By the time Tony had gotten there, Bruce was checking his head wound.

'How far are medical?' Bruce asked without looking up.

Cap's blood was already covering his hands, Tony absently noticed. He checked his watch.

'Around 7 minutes.' He replied, still staring in horror at Cap, 'I-is he gonna be ok?' He asked cautiously, almost scared for the answer.

'He's got a pulse,' Bruce replied, 'but it's weak, and barely there. Also, there's no telling what that head injury could have done. The serum's good, but I don't think that head injury is gonna be healed very soon.' He looked up and into Tony's eyes, 'but he's gonna live, Tony, and the wound will heal if medical decides to hurry the *a swear word that our poor Stevie won't like* up.'

Tony breathed a huge sigh of relief.

'Is he gonna be ok?' Tony heard Natasha's desperate voice running up from behind him.

'Is he alive?!' Clint asked, worried out of his life.

If this was in any other situation, Tony would have laughed and teased the two super assassins for looking so desperate and actually _showing emotion_.

'Y-yeah.' Tony replied, almost disbelievingly in relief, 'Yeah, he's gonna be alright.'

The two super spies breathed a sigh of relief together.

Wow. They can be creepy.

'He's having a seizure!' They suddenly heard Bruce cry.

Natasha whipped around to help.

The one and only Captain America was having a seizure because of blood loss and an awful head injury, (awful doesn't even cut it) and he was bleeding to death on the shore of a beach in New York.

Tony's mind didn't quite comprehend the situation well.

He needed a drink.

As if by a miracle, medical appeared and everything afterwards went very quickly.

Tony would have preferred if medical could have come just a tiny bit earlier.

———————————————————————————————————

**Natasha's P.O.V**

As soon as Cap had been taken to medical, everyone else had flown top speed back to the tower to get cleaned up and changed, as well as grabbing a snack to eat. Within 30 minutes, the rest of the Avengers, minus Thor because he was back in Asgard, were gathered in the waiting room, anxiously waiting ( **A/N ironically** ) for the report on their leader's health.

Natasha was tapping her foot repetitively on the floor, trying her best not to show any emotion. She already had a bad feeling about this.

The doctor walked in. Natasha silently praised him for not flinching when four enhanced superheroes almost lunged at him.

'How is he?' Tony asked immediately, the waiting had him extremely on edge - he was fiddling with a few gears and tapping his fingers and foot - it had annoyed everyone out of their minds.

'His leg and arm were broken and he had a gash across his stomach but those injuries seem to be healing well, they should be healed in around three days. He is also awake at the moment' The doctor said, and Natasha could see his hands shaking.

She couldn't blame him though. Tony can be slightly intimidating when stressed.

'But...' Natasha pressed on, knowing he was hiding something.

The doctor tried for a smile, which turned out more like a grimace, and took a deep breath. Natasha and Clint caught each other's eyes.

'Well, his head injury is pretty bad and we're not sure, we were about to do the test and wethinkhemighthaveamnesia.'

Oh.

'I will signal to you when you can come in. For now, please stay outside.' The doctor said politely before practically sprinting back into the room.

'Amnesia!?!' Tony cried, '*another swear word!*ing amnesia!'

'Shhhh...' Natasha shushed, 'I'm trying to listen to the test!'

They all shut up and pressed their ears against the door. They must have looked weird.

The voices were slightly muffled, but Natasha could hear the voices so clearly, it was like she was in the room with them - just invisible. ( **A/N invisibility cloaks! 🙃** )

'Alright, so we have to ask you a few questions.'

'O-ok.'

Natasha could hear the skepticism in his voice.

'What is your name?'

'I-i don't k-know.'

Natasha could see Tony's face fall.

'Please read the time on the clock in front of you.'

'8-8:09PM'

'Well done! Do you remember what happened and how you got here?'

'Where a-are we? S-sorry'

'No, no. Don't be sorry. It's fine.'

Natasha could tell he was lying.

'How old are you?'

'I-I can't remember!'

Natasha could hear Cap's exasperation.

'Last of all, what is your job?'

'I-I have a j-job?'

Natasha could hear the doctor sigh.

'Ok. So, I'm going to ask 4 people to come in, let's see if you can identify them.'

The door suddenly opened and everyone jumped and pulled away from the wall at top speed. The doctor smiled sadly and gestured to them to come in.

They all walked in and Tony and Bruce sat down on the uncomfortable plastic chairs.

'Can you name any of these people?' The doctor asked.

Natasha looked Cap in the eye. He broke the eye contact, looking down. Natasha could see that he was trying his best to remember them. He looked up again.

'I've never met them in my life.' He said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N I'm just going to stop here because I'm tired :)
> 
> Yeah, sorry it's late. 
> 
> At least it was long 🙃
> 
> I have like 4 half done oneshots that I haven't been bothered to finish so yeah.
> 
> I need food cause I haven't eaten yet today so bye.


	10. Water.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Steve can’t swim and the team finds out the hard way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N I haven't updated in like forever and I'm sorry but I guess that's what half term does to you *shrugs* oh well.
> 
> Sooooooo..... I rewatched Captain America: The First Avenger recently and I'm skeptical of Steve's swimming skill... So this happened.
> 
> DISCLAIMER-Again. I don't own Stevie and either of his teams. Or Peggy. Etc.

**Steve's P.O.V.**

See...

Steve had this tiny secret...

He couldn't swim.

He wasn't a big fan of water anyway, having experienced waterboarding, and the whole crashing into the Atlantic Ocean thing...

Yeah. He wasn't a big fan of water.

He'd never mentioned this to his team because he didn't really think it was very important.

An underwater mission? He would just pretend he was busy - after all, he'd just found out that Bucky was alive! Alive. Healthy, maybe not, but alive, and alive was all that mattered.

So.. in short, he was not expecting to take a bath in the middle of Crater Lake in Southern Oregon when he said he'd fight some aliens with his team.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

**Tony's P.O.V.**

It was an easy mission.

Go to Southern Oregon. Kill all the weird flying aliens that are annoying the citizens. Try not to blow up said citizens. Leave.

See? Easy.

Or supposed to be.

_(When was it ever easy for them?)_

Everything was going fine. It really was for the first time.

_(In like ever)_

No one had any major injuries, the aliens numbers were going down and it looked like Tony would be back in time for his date with Pepper.

_(It looked like)_

Then, obviously, something had to go wrong.

'Cap!' Tony heard Hawkeye shout.

Tony instantly shot a hand to his communicator, barking out a quick, 'What's going on?'

_(No. He wasn't worried.)_

'Cap's taking a ride with one of the aliens.' Clint replied, it sounded like he was running after him.

*another one of those swears*

'How many robots are there left?' Tony asked hurriedly as he began to track Cap's location.

'Barely any.' Natasha replied, her voice steady, 'Hulk and Thor have got it covered, right?'

There was a roar.

'Yeah, I think they've got it covered.' Cap's voice came through.

Everyone let out a sigh of relief that no one would own up to if they were asked about it.

'Where the h*** are you then?' Tony exclaimed through the earpiece.

'Umm... Flying.' Cap replied.

'No duh.' Tony said bluntly.

'I'm trying to get free but this thing's grip is hard!' Cap said. There was a few sounds that must have been Cap trying to escape.

'I don't advise you to try, Cap. The fall's gonna kill you if the thing releases its grip.' Hawkeye supplied helpfully.

_(Stupid a******)_

'Thanks for your fantastic optimism.' Tony said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

'Cap?' Natasha's voice cut through as the coms were filled with grunts and pounding of possible fists.

_(Who was he kidding? They were obviously fists.)_

'Capsicle?' Tony echoed, sensing Natasha's worry. Not that he was going to tell her - he liked his heart beating just the way it was, thank you very much.

_(And the way his body looked, thank you very much.)_

'Capsicle, you pure hearted boy-scout! If you don't answer your coms right now, I'm gonna-' Tony started, only to be interrupted by a terrified,

'*a swear word beginning with s that would fit in this context*!'

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

**Steve's P.O.V.**

And he was drowning again.

As soon as the lake had come into view, Steve had been filled with fear and immediately tried to pry the cold fingers off of his back.

There was no hope.

He'd been dunked into the lake without a second thought. At least the alien had gone down with him.

It was so cold.

Steve had avoided swearing his whole life. Granted, it wasn't very long, without counting the years in the ice, but he still hadn't said a single bad word. Not even d**n. Not even h**l. He was only just 18, finally a legal adult, and he was about to die. At least he'd used the right swear word, he thought absently, the right swear word before his likely death.

Water. Ice cold water.

He hated it.

He tried to take a breath.

 

He couldn't breathe.

 

Why couldn't he breathe?!

 

Why?!

 

Because he was underwater and he was having a panic attack.

 

 _Great_.

 

Suddenly a flood of memories hit him.

 

He thought of when he was waterboarded - which only lead him to think of all the other methods of torture those cruel beings had used. They couldn't have been human.

( _But they were. Were all humans that cruel?  Maybe some choose to hide that side of them.)_

He thought of the Valkyrie. The ice. The future. Only, it was his present now, wasn't it?

_(He still wasn't sure whether he liked it or not. There were so many new things and noises and words and references that he just couldn't keep up with.)_

He thought of Peggy, again, he thought of his team - his realteam -back before 1945. The day he crashed. He thought of Bucky - Bucky - he never even got to say goodbye. He never got to see him, in this century. He had left him and now Bucky was alone. 

 

Alone.

 

Can you cry underwater? Steve was sure he was.

 

Crying.

 

When was the last time he'd done that?

 

Back in 1944?

 

 _Lovely_.

 

His vision started to blur around the edges.

 

Was there any point in trying to swim upwards?

 

Not that he knew how.

 

He wasn't even sure which way was up.

He stared at the alien grinning at him through the murk. He stared at the red glowing eyes as they dulled and went out.

If an alien couldn't survive, how could he?

So he welcomed the darkness, and forgot about the aching pain in his lungs, the ice cold feeling all over his body and his relentless pounding headache as he floated deeper, and deeper. He forgot about the avengers and the aliens and the fighting and thought about what his life could have been without war, without the ice, without his enemies.

'We've been waiting.' He could see Peggy, the Howlie's and Howard. 'We've been waiting so long.'

He smiled and thought, 'I'm so sorry Bucky.'

Then he was gone.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

**Clint's P.O.V.**

'*that same swear word beginning with s*!'

Clint caught eyes with Thor.

Cap never swore. _Ever_.

Whether he was hurt, frustrated, exasperated... He never swore.

Something was really, really wrong.

_(No duh.)_

Everyone had heard the pure fear in their leader's voice and then there was silence.

Just static. Cold, cruel static.

'Cap?' Clint said, nervously.

'Capsicle?' Clint heard Tony ask, sounding as nervous as he did, not that he was gonna admit it.

'S.H.I.E.L.D. Brother?' Even Thor was worried.

Clint started to run slightly faster.

He had seen Cap last, flying around 10 kilometers above the ground. Unwillingly obviously.

Then, all of a sudden, the alien had turned a sharp left and Clint had lost sight of it, having been pretty far behind.

He'd finally gotten to the place where the alien had turned and almost cried in relief at the sight of Crater Lake.

'I think the alien dropped him in the lake.' He said into the com, 'maybe his com isn't working cause of water interference.'

'So, Captain Rogers is fine, is he not?' Thor asked, cautiously.

'It would be fine, Point Break, if he was answering his coms that I specifically made waterproof.' Tony answered, exasperated.

Oh. That was not good.

'Stark, have you got a read on him?' Nat asked, her voice filtering through the communicator.

'The lake's pretty big and deep, calm down.' Tony replied, before suddenly yelling, 'he's in the water! I've got a read on him!'

Wait...

'He's still in the water!' Clint yelled, 'shouldn't he have come up by now? It's been like half an hour - he can't hold his breath that long!'

'I'm going to get him!' Tony said, 'the suit's waterproof before you dingbats ask.'

Clint rolled his eyes.

Of course the suit was also waterproof.

When did Tony ever make something that wasn't waterproof?

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

**Tony's P.O.V.**

As soon as he'd gotten a reading, he'd flown as fast as he could towards the red dot, telling the rest of the team on the way.

SPLASH!

Tony dove into the middle of the lake, following J.A.R.V.I.S. ' directions, and saw two figures at the very bottom, motionless.

'Cap?!' He said, his voice filtering through the coms, but not the water.

As quick as he could, he scooped up Cap's limp body, blasted the already dead alien because he needed to hit something, and propelled himself upwards.

'He's not breathing!' He shouted, and he could see the rest of the Avengers grouping up near the shore of the lake.

No.

Don't you dare die on me.

By the time Tony had reached the shore, Clint had already called medical.

'15 minutes.' Clint said simply.

He practically flung Cap's body in front of Natasha, who immediately started CPR, and turned to Hulk.

Normally, this would be the time he would make some lame joke about Capsicle being kissed by the one and only Black Widow, but now, clearly, wasn't the time.

'Please... we really need Bruce with us now, buddy.'

No one commented on how his voice cracked at the end.

A few minutes later, Bruce was back with them, advising the team on how to revive a drowned man.

A few more minutes later and Cap was coughing up buckets of water, choking and being 'patted' on the back by Thor.

'Oh.' Cap said sadly, as he looked at everyone's faces, 'I'm still alive.'

Then he promptly passed out.

No. Captain America was _not_ going to die with Tony watching.

'No!' Tony cried, 'No you idiot! Stay with us!'

Then he slapped, properly _slapped_ , Captain America across the face.

'What dat for?' Cap asked, slurring his words slightly.

'Stay alive on our watch please Steve.' Bruce said.

Cap's face formed a small grin as it brightened a little.

'What?' Bruce asked, having noticed that Cap was suspiciously smiling, something he _barely_ did normally, even though he had almost drowned.

'Called me Steve.' Cap said, slightly pointing at Bruce (not rudely cause he's America's Golden Boy Scout), with a lopsided grin, 'no one's called me Steve since the ice.'

Oh.

Then Ca-Steve proceeded to pass out again and no one bothered to wake him up, knowing he would just keep falling unconscious.

'The idiot.' Tony mumbled under his breath.

'Why?' Natasha asked, even though Tony knew that she knew.

'We go on a mission.' Tony started, 'and then Ca-Steve decides to not mention the fact he can't swim.'

'He can't swim?' Clint asked as he whirled around from where he was.

'Surely some being casted a spell, and made sure he was confused, right?' Thor asked, ironically confused.

'Nope.' Tony answered, 'no head injuries, no signs of struggle. He simply can't swim.'

Sometimes, Tony wanted - so bad - just to punch Steve in the face and beat him up for being so stupid.

Steve wasn't going to be able to face a shower for at least a week.

A sudden sound of sirens filled the air. 

Medical.

 

 _Finally_.

 

Fury _really_ needed faster medical.

 

' _I'm going to march in and personally see to those jets myself_ '

The whole way back, Tony was tapping on his tablet about the medical Quinjet because he simply _wasn't going to come that near to death again._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N wow. That was long.
> 
> I guess that makes up for all the time I haven't updated.
> 
> Sorry 'bout that.
> 
> I have started like two oneshots and only now have I realized that they are going to take forever.
> 
> *regrets*
> 
> Oops.
> 
> Also... sorry that the ending was a bit rushed. 
> 
> I finally realized that I needed to update soon so I had to hurry.
> 
> I just watched The Darkest Minds and I'm wondering WHY DID THEY NOT MAKE A SEQUEL?!
> 
> Also. I'm now reading the books and I'm on Chapter 24 of the first one ;)
> 
> Well... food is waiting for me so...
> 
> Goodbye.


	11. Pictures.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is dying but at least Natasha is there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N omg I’m so late I’m sorry
> 
> Alsooooooo I’m still working on your request Imogen I’m sorry it’s taking so long

**Steve’s P.O.V.**

_Pain_.

 

That's all Steve can think of as he wakes up and discovers that he is lying in the middle of nowhere, a broken shield in his hand, his limbs heavy and his vision fuzzy. The pain is so overpowering that for a few of minutes he can't feel anything else because _everything_ hurts. He can't even breathe properly and the air turns out to be a lot more like fire, burning his lungs.

 

Oh, this is bad.

 

What had he done?

 

Time passes and, as a patient person, Steve doesn't move for a very long time, so it feels like years. When he feels his body shivering, it suddenly strikes him how _cold_ it is here, wherever here is.

 

He hates the cold.

 

The ground is hard and, for some odd reason, damp. The sky is more grey than the usual blue, it's cloudy - _dark_. He listens to the silence for a while. There is no sound except his own weak breathing and there is absolutely no other sounds he can hear, even with his superhearing.

 

What the heck happened?

 

His mind isn't working as well as it should be but Steve still tries to remember something and, to his dismay, fails. His memories are unreal and even he can't believe them. All Steve knows is that there was a battle – or something like that – but that's it. He knows that there were screams, which he can sort of recall - even though now, he wants to unsee and unhear it. It was dangerous - he knows for sure.

 

It's not anymore though, right? Not here, anyway, where it's so quiet and deserted.

 

As he thinks about it, he frowns and decides that he should try and stand up as it's really starting to get cold here but it quickly turns out that his arms are useless and that he has no choice but to lie here in the cold.

 

He tries to support himself by lifting up his upper body but all his effort is suddenly wasted as he collapses on the ground again, unable to even move now. He can faintly hear a soft thud as his head hits the sand once again.

 

It hurts.

 

Steve grits his teeth and exhales slowly, wincing. He can't breathe. He can't move and it's so, _so_ cold.

 

He doesn't like the cold, he remembers that, not why, though, and he exasperated because of it.

 

He lies on the ground for a long time and doesn't hear anything or anyone but suddenly – when his arm twitches unexpectedly, he feels something warm on the surface of his skin. Cocking his head to the side – the warmth sends little needles of pain up his spine and he discovers that it's blood.

 

 _His_ blood.

 

He's bleeding. Not just from his arm, as he notices a few minutes later.

 

He knows that this should really disturb him – well, he probably should be at least a little bit panicked – but he feels nothing like that. No fear, no dread. Just peace.

 

Almost listlessness. Apathy.

 

He accepts his fate with a smile.

 

And that's when he hears someone approaching.

 

At first, it's just the sound of someone's steps on the ground by him, which were perfectly audible because of all the silence around. After a while, though, he can hear the person breathing rather heavily. The footsteps are slowly becoming louder and louder before they suddenly stop.

 

'Cap?'

 

He knows that voice – at least he thinks he does. It sounds familiar and it's very relieving to finally hear something other than his own breathing. Hearing the voice makes him open his eyes – which he had closed at some point, apparently.

 

Before he even gets the chance to even see anything else, he sees Natasha Romanoff.

 

Oh.

 

Steve remembers Nat.

 

Her emerald green eyes – so unlike the grass stained around him right now. Her bright red hair that she ran her hand through sometimes - when they were teasing each other. Her dazzling rare smile, which is not on her lips at the moment.

 

What a pity.

 

'Steve, *swear word*, can you hear me?'

 

His mind is so slow that it takes him a couple of seconds to create a response.

 

'Yeah,' he finally says.

 

His voice is hoarse, quiet and almost muffled.

 

It's probably not a good thing.

 

Nat seems almost scared for some reason but Steve is glad that she's there anyway.

 

Something in his head tells him that Natasha is important, maybe even more than he is - but does it really matter? Nat is a good person. She always has been, although Steve can't really remember why he thinks so.

 

She wouldn't hurt him and, deep inside, Steve trusts her and it's a soothing thought he clings to. After all, they spent their time together, with and without the rest of the avengers. 

 

Nat had turned out to be a good partner and, later, a friend as well. Now, despite the fact Steve would never admit it, she is more important than that – and Steve is important _to her_. It's nice to have someone like that.

 

Suddenly, there's another name popping up in his mind – it's weird at first but when Steve manages to forms it into words, he instantly knows who he is.

 

 _Bucky_.

 

Bucky is important, too.

 

Bucky.

 

The smartly dressed boy with pale skin and dark hair, who he had finally found on his mission to destroy Hydra – that was where here was, right?

 

The caring, brave, loving person he had cherished so much. He can remember his smile and his eyes and the warm touch on his skin whenever he hugged him. He was waiting for him, when he saw him for the first time.

 

His brother.

 

Steve tries to say his name and even though it doesn't really sound like it really should when it comes out of his mouth, Nat seems to understand because she answers anyway.

 

'Bucky is safe. Everyone is safe. We won, Cap.'

 

 _We won what_? the boy wants to ask, but he can't seem make another sound. He looks at Nat as the redhead frowns and then takes a handful of the sand around him in her hand. Suddenly she looks even more scared than before and Steve starts to wonders what happened.

 

'Holy *swearing*, you're bleeding.'

 

Nat is still looking at her own hand – the sand in it dark, weirdly reddish or maybe more brown, a colour Steve has seen way too often before.

 

Realizing why takes him some time.

 

He's bleeding, he already knows that. The sand is blood-soaked.

 

That's probably not a good thing.

 

He lifts his head a little – it's incredibly painful and tiring but he looks around anyway, seeing that the ground near is also painted in this different, odd colour. Steve begins to wonder how much blood he has lost by now.

 

Two litres? More?

 

His head starts to feel very light, but he still can barely move it. The weariness begins to increase, as does the pace of his heartbeat. Breath stays shallow, uneven and the only thing he wants to do now is _sleep_.

 

Feeling Nat pressing on his wounds, trying to stop the blood and murmuring something Steve can't understand, feeling more tired than ever, he closes his eyes.

 

Natasha doesn't even let him take a nap, though.

 

'Steve, look at me, okay?' She says in a slightly shaky voice. Steve thinks that the sound of Natasha talking is one of the best sounds he's ever heard so he opens his eyes with difficulty, just as he was asked to.

 

'Hold on. I don't have any more water but you're gonna be okay.'

 

Natasha presses her palms to the wound on Steve's chest, probably doing something meant to help again but, as the boy hisses because of sudden pain, his lungs start to burn even more. It's almost too much, unbearable. Nat's hands are strong, firm and covered in blood, scars on them hardly visible.

 

 _If it wasn't so painful_ , Steve thinks, _the touch itself would be very pleasant._

 

He moves his gaze from Nat's hands to her shoulders and then the rest of her body – his vision still blurred but only a bit. Natasha is kneeling next to him, by his side. She has a few injures herself – on her leg, arm and wrist. All of them are already bandaged and taken care of, none of the wounds bleeding. Only a tiny scratch on her cheek is fresh.

 

'Why...' Steve tries to say, moving his lips difficult as heck, 'Why are you... here?'

 

Natasha looks at him – frightened, panic visible in those green eyes. Steve thinks it doesn't suit her. She's like a superhero. She should be happy.

 

‘I was looking for you,’ the redhead answers and immediately picks up what she was doing before – taking care of Steve's wounds, securing them with pieces of torn clothing Steve didn't even notice before and pressing her hands on them.

 

He can feel them shaking.

 

His eyes close again but, remembering what Nat told him, he opens them – this time it's way more difficult, though. Blinking is, he decides seconds later, the most tiring thing he's ever done, for sure. Heavy eyelids and even heavier chest take all of his energy.

 

He closes his eyes, surrendering, and discovers that the darkness is so, so much better than light.

 

To get some sleep is his goal. That's it. Glad to get some silence, he relaxes, his body limp. It feels impossible to rest now and here, in this freezing cold, but he's so exhausted.

 

'Cap? No! Don't close your eyes. You can't sleep, you hear me? Cap!'

 

Nat's voice is almost too quiet. Steve takes another, slightly deeper breath and the air burns his lungs, chilly fire getting spread in his body along with all the oxygen.

 

Oh, God, it hurts.

 

It's only a quick nap, he wants to say. Just five minutes, Nat, don't be such an asshole. But there's something strange in a way Natasha says his name – something new.

 

So Steve tries, really hard, but, unfortunately, fails. His eyelids are too heavy and he doesn't have enough energy left to do something about it.

 

'Cap, please,' he hears – Natasha seems quite desperate now. 'Just a little longer, please, stay with me. Don't sleep, no, you can't sleep yet, Cap, I'm begging you.'

 

Her voice cracks with emotion – that is something Steve has never heard before. He listens to Natasha's heavy breathing – she's is touching his face now, even though Steve is not injured here. The sensation is almost too gentle.

 

Something cold drops on his cheek.

 

At first, he thinks it's raining. The sky was so cloudy after all. Then he hears a sob – so quiet he nearly misses it – and, really curious what is happening, tries to open his eyes with all the energy he has. His vision is blurred, the dim light of the day hurts his eyes but he manages to focus.

 

And then he sees it.

 

Natasha Romanoff is crying.

 

She looks really panicked. Tears streaming down her face, she runs her hands through Steve's hair, now a bit sticky from blood, then brushes her fingers over his cheeks and lips – so subtle, so nice. Steve wants to lean into the touch but he can't.

 

'Cap,' Nat breathes, trying to calm down, 'Cap, please, s-stay with me, just look at me, okay? I'm h-here, please, don't leave me, d-don't sleep.'

 

Natasha shouldn't be doing that. She's too strong to cry – especially over someone like Steve. It's strange, to see her like this. Steve prefers when Nat is smiling, really.

 

He doesn't quite believe it. No, Natasha can't be crying, he thinks just a few seconds later, staring at her tears with barely open eyes, his eyelids heavy.

 

It can't be real, can it? There's no way this can be real. There is no way.

 

So he tries to move and, after some time, he manages to. He raises his shaking, cold hand and touches Nat's cheek, where one of the tears are running.

 

'I've never...' he mutters, before choking on the air, his lungs burning, 'I've never seen you crying before'

 

Because Nat is actually crying, so these words are important. He can feel the wetness and the cold under his fingers in the place where he had touched the tear. He lets his hand fall – there's a dull sound when it meets the sand. He closes his eyes again, only to hear Nat yelling.

 

'No, no. Steve!'

 

He jerks at his first name. How long had it been since someone had called him that?

 

'No! Stay with me, please, open your eyes! I'm right here,*censored*, I'm begging you, please!'

 

There's another sobbing sound and Natasha shouts one more time, however, not to Steve.

 

'I need help! *another swear word*, quickly!'

 

Steve is not sure but he thinks that someone is running towards him. Them.

 

 _Breathe_.

 

It used to be so easy.

 

The darkness welcomes him like an old friend, soothing and familiar. It makes the pain fade away and all the sounds start to fade.

 

He's so exhausted.

 

Somebody says his name – it's a boy, not Natasha. Maybe Bucky. He doesn't know.

 

He can faintly hear sirens.

 

There's a hint of colour in the blackness. Then another.

 

After a second it forms into a solid memory but Steve isn't sure what it is about. He can't seem to understand it and the images start to blur. At one point, though, it turns into a simple photo.

 

One picture. Two pictures. Three.

 

Thousands.

 

One appearing after another, scattered in his mind. Changing. Slowly, without rushing.

 

He hears Natasha shouting again and he can feel another tear dropping on his cheek.

 

The pictures start to gather in one place, in the back of his head and he sees them clearer, flashing in front of his closed eyes.

 

The warm sun. The warm wind on his skin. New York City. His soft bed in his apartment, near a stone cold wall. The horrors of the war, suddenly a lot less frightening now. The cold wind whistling in the Alps as he falls. It's all his fault. Bones of innocent people, a mess at his feet.

 

As he falls.

 

He's so tired.

 

He can hear voices around him – whispering, before yelling, talking, before shouting, 'Please, please, stay with us. No! Don't go!'

 

A gift wrapped in parcel paper. The noisy uproar of the Howling Commandos. A young woman, crying, dying. Peggy's sweet, soft laugh. Watching movies with his team.. his friends. His mother's eyes, dulling. The slight smile on Stark's lips.

 

Natasha's tears, her firm grip on his hand, sobs quietly escaping from her mouth.

Her slight smirk as they drove to Camp Lehigh. The feeling of her lips on his cheek. On his lips.

 

Six laughing faces. Seven. Eight.

 

Hundreds.

 

A whisper. 'Please stay.'

 

There's a cloud in the sky, he notices. Silence. Emptiness.

 

'Steve, please.'

 

So many pictures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N once again...
> 
> Sorry :)  
> At least it was the longest oneshot I’ve done.


End file.
